Saturday, February 23, 2008

Thinking

Turns out I don't know how to blog anymore. One might argue that I never did in the first place, but let's leave my writing skill (or lack thereof) out of this. The real issue is that I don't know how to blog about this pregnancy.

When we got pregnant with Natalie, we had just had one of the worst years of our lives. Between the loss of the first pregnancy, the discovery of the molarness and the long, long aftermath, it felt like we'd "earned" that pregnancy. I know that one doesn't earn or not earn such things, but I guess what I mean is it felt like we'd earned the right to post unabashedly about it. It feels different this time.

Friends (online and IRL) who have been trying for years are still yearning for a baby. Of four people in our little buddy group who all got positive tests around the same time, only two are still pregnant. Having had my share of people I hated because they got pregnant so easily (or accidentally!), I don't like being that person. Somehow it also feels different because this is our second. Like we're greedy for wanting (and getting this far) with a second while some people are still trying for their first. I guess I'm having survivor guilt, and I don't know what to do about it.

Because at the same time, we're happy about this. And things are looking OK, at least for now. Today is 12 weeks. We heard a heartbeat last week. We have the nuchal on Tuesday. Jen's body is starting to change. Natalie inadvertently outed us to some friends today (we haven't even told her yet, but...well, apparently she's noticed enough to clue other people in). So far, so good. It just feels wrong to be publicly happy when that could make other people feel bad. And we all know that all the good could come crashing back down around us at any time.

So I guess this is my apology, both for the lack of posting and for any pain our pregnancy has caused anyone. Here's hoping that there's joy coming to everyone somehow...and soon.

11 Comments:

  • IMHO you have no reason for apologyising for this pregnancy or any pregnancy hurting someone. Being on the other side and trying for years to get pregnant and it not happening for me or anyone else doesn't make your pregnancy or anyone elses for that matter wrong or less special. Celebrate it the way you want. If people have issues with your pregnany then that is there issue and not something you should feel bad about.

    By Blogger Kimmyann, at 12:51 AM  

  • No apologies necessary. You earned this one too! It's worth celebrating. Every new life is worth celebrating.

    By Blogger Blondie, at 11:54 AM  

  • THis is such a hard thing for most bloggers who've struggled. But as one who is still on the 'trying' side, with all that entails, I want you to know that is hartening, to come to the site of a pregnant blogger, and read that there is another side to all of teh struggle. Update as you can.
    Sarah

    By Anonymous Sarah, at 1:41 PM  

  • Wanted you to know that I am happy for you. It is a little bittersweet to check in here and realize it would be 12 weeks, but honestly, I don't check in when I'm not feeling up to moments like that. I understand what you're saying, because for the few weeks we were pregnant, we felt a little guilty too. I appreciate your sensitivity, but go ahead and enjoy your pregnancy (specially now that it's 12 wks!). I can't wait to join you. :)

    By Blogger K, at 4:36 PM  

  • I have been missing you guys a LOT. You guys could never ever turn into an evil smug preggo blog. I wish you would write more and share more. I count you both as dear friends and I am so happy to hear that things are going so well.

    sending much love.
    xoxo

    By Anonymous calliope, at 5:07 PM  

  • I don't think you have anything to worry about. You should be happy and proud and excited - enjoy it!

    For what it's worth, I only get angry about someone else's pregnancy when it's obvious that they're not going to love that child with all they've got, and they haven't had to work hard to get there. And that's not you guys. So there :o)

    By Blogger Chris, at 8:42 PM  

  • i am so familiar with the same feelings and they weigh heavily on me when i think about posting something complainy on my blog about the twins. i know others would kill for such complaints. that's it, i guess. i just wanted to say "i feel ya." i also think there is much to be said for considering your position and how it affects others, so bravo for that.

    By Blogger Chris and Penny, at 8:59 AM  

  • Between this post and the comments, especially from K and Cali, I'm sitting here at work trying not to cry.

    You know, because Jen & I talk about it often, that I'm struggling with a lot of the same feelings. Survival guilt is the right turn of phrase, I think.

    Two things have me still able to blog about my pregnancy. First, blogging is a mode of self-expression that I find essential to my mental health. And second, I've been forcing myself to trust that my less-lucky-so-far friends will only come and read when they're in the emotional space to do so -- but they don't want me to censor myself.

    I think ya'll know that a very dear RL friend of mine who doesn't blog miscarried a few weeks ago; she was due just a few weeks before us. I was the most scared to hurt her -- we've been friends for more than 20 years. But she continues to call and occasionally comment on the blog, in spite of her own grieving process.

    Anyway, my point is that your friends love you too. And they know that you love them and would never choose to hurt them.

    By Anonymous Liza, at 9:59 AM  

  • All of this is so well said. I have to agree with Sarah, who wrote that she feels heartened to read about your family and your pregnancy-- you are the happy ending that we are all striving for. I know that reading your archives has helped me so much as I work through my own miscarriage and it helps me to have hope-- seeing you here, now. Thanks.

    By Blogger sara, at 10:00 AM  

  • It is hard to know where you belong/what to say when you once struggled with fertility issues and now do not (physically, I mean).
    I find it hard to blog about my current pregnancy - I mean, my God, I am the Oops that I hated passionately for a long time. But on the other hand, I was always mad when I didn't have a baby and would read of others' lack of enjoyment of the fact that they were about to have a baby. Not that it's wrong to vent about symptoms, etc., but come on and enjoy the awesome thing that you have, I would think to myself.
    Just my two cents. Oh, and I think you all are wonderful.

    By OpenID meanmama, at 7:22 PM  

  • Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you, and am glad that things are going well. :D

    By Blogger Kim, at 2:30 PM  

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