Saturday, October 01, 2005

October 1

A year ago today we had an ultrasound. At 12 weeks, 4 days, we thought we were beyond the risky first trimester, and were looking forward to more energy and less nausea in the second tri. What we actually saw is forever etched in my brain. I can still feel the desperate, "if he just gets to the right angle, everything will look like it's supposed to and everything will be OK," as we stared at the still, silent screen.

A year later, at 12 weeks, 4 days again, we're hopeful. The feeling of being torn into a million pieces has subsided. We've made it through additional obstacles, grief, and anger. But the lingering fear and sadness are still there. We miss the child that didn't get to be born, and the life we didn't get to have this past year. We fear for the future of this pregnancy, not for any rational reason, but simply because it's hard to trust that everything will be OK, when it so was not last time. And so, we move forward, because it is the only thing we can do. And we hope. And we remember.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Our thoughts and hearts are with everyone that has suffered a loss. If you know someone who has had a miscarriage or lost a baby, let them know you are thinking of them and their loss.

9 Comments:

  • i'm sorry for your loss. it must be a bitter sweet kind of pregnancy. excited, but full of fear. hopeful, yet thinking of the hope that was lost last time. does the doctor give you a time when things are more secure? a time when you can be more sure?

    By Blogger instamom, at 9:13 PM  

  • I am thinking of you both. It must be very hard. I hope that you heal (not to be mistaken for "forget") more and more as time goes on, and of course I hope that this pregnancy is a healthy and joyful one. I have a lot of respect for your courage to try again and your honesty in expressing your feelings.

    By Blogger lagiulia, at 9:42 PM  

  • and we are thinking of you.

    MUCH, much love,
    S & N

    By Blogger Shelli, at 10:18 PM  

  • Thinking of you girls.......

    take good care,
    deanna

    By Blogger deanna, at 1:00 PM  

  • I remember that less than a week after your devastating ultrasound I had a scary ultrasound, but I was so lucky that I got better news that afternoon. I have not forgotten your kindness in reaching out to me during your own grief. I admire your strength and graciousness in supporting other people while dealing with such heartbreak. Harpo is a lucky bean to have such kind and persistent mommies.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:42 PM  

  • I didn't mean to leave myself anonymous up above, but it won't let me change it.

    Maureen

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:44 PM  

  • You have been on my mind all day today, as I realized it was October and that meant big things for you - so much remembering, so much to heal from, and now so much to look forward to, hopefully with just a tiny bit less fear now that the scary date has past.

    All my best to you three.

    By Anonymous bri, at 9:33 PM  

  • I know you will never forget what happened, but I also know it will get easier. I am so sorry this happened to you and I am praying that this new pregnancy is easy and smooth.

    By Blogger Ana, at 5:38 AM  

  • I think one of the sad things about a miscarriage is that it takes away that opportunity for complete unrestrained joy when you are pregnant again. I swear I checked my undies EVERY time I went to the loo for the ENTIRE 41 weeks of my second pregnancy after losing my first. That makes me sound obsessed and I wasn't - I loved and blossomed during my second pregnancy... in fact maybe in someways the loss made the sense of wonder and amazement of that second pregnancy and the lovely baby that came even stronger...I think perhaps it still does 6 years on. My second pregnancy marched along at the same time of year as the first - two years almost to the day later ... sometimes I still wonder what that little soul would be like now - 8 years on. Good luck with your pregnancy, your tests and the wonderful journey....

    Annie

    By Anonymous Annie, at 3:54 AM  

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