What Part of "Due Date" Don't You Understand?
Audience the First: Harpo. Now listen, kid, you get a lot more leeway here, since I'm already completely in love with you. But I did want to check in and make sure you realized the significance of this day, seeing as you don't have a watch or a calendar or anything. Today is April 11, your due date (not to mention the due date of the baby before you, a coincidence we HOPED might add some psychic pull towards getting you out). You are welcome to come on out on your own timetable, but if you are so inclined, arriving today would be a great way to start a life of being prompt. Your mama did it. (Whereas your mommy was 6 days early. You blew that one, sad to say.) Anyway, there's about 11 hours left of today, by my watch. Think about it.
Audience the Second: A whole lot of stupid people. Including, astonishingly, many, many people who have HAD BABIES, some of them recently. I can't tell you how many people have asked me when my due date is with the apparent belief that this means the date the baby will come. Yesterday a friend called me and said, "So how are you feeling the day before The Big Day?" I said, "P, you know tomorrow is my due date, right? The baby's gonna come when the baby's gonna come." And she said, "But you're going in tomorrow, right?" So I repeated, very s-l-o-w-l-y, "It's my due date. The baby's not necessarily coming tomorrow. It could be any time in the next two weeks." And then vowed never to answer the phone again. Cut to this morning. The clerk at the store says, "So when are you due?" "Today, actually." "So when are you going to the hospital?!?" "When something starts happening." "But you're due today." "Yes."
Oh, and a word about "yet". Attention family and friends who have been asking, in some cases for the PAST TWO WEEKS, "Haven't you had that baby yet?" TODAY is my due date. Therefore, use of the word "yet" prior to today makes no fucking sense. Use of the word "yet" today or later may make sense but is probably just a wee bit inadvisable if you wish to retain full functioning of all of your body parts.
And now if you'll excuse me, I've got some walking to do.