Monday, November 05, 2007

Because Jen Asked Me to Explain...

I'm actually having one of those days that makes me wonder why on earth we want another child. No, I don't really mean that. I absolutely want another, so much so that during one of the many wakings last night, I snuggled Natalie and daydreamed (can it be daydreaming if it's 3 AM?) blissfully about newborns. What I really mean is, I'm exhausted, the house is totaled, and the second Monday toddler is refusing to nap more than 20 minute stretches without me resettling him. And of course, every time he wakes up, I'm terrified he'll wake Natalie up, and, well, that's NEVER a good thing. So this post will be written in fragments and may make little to no sense by the time it's done. Seeing as the boy is awake again, aforementioned finishing may never happen.

He's down again. No telling how long. So I'll cut to the chase. Why the early testing? The logical answers are:
  1. We've gotten early positives before. Both Coqui and Natalie were detected around 10 dpo. And...
  2. Jen has been experiencing some slightly suspicious symptoms.
But the bigger part, and the bit that finally caused Jen to cave is this-- it's not my body, and there are times when that's hard. Jen would have been content to wait a few more days, allowing herself to feel a little hopeful because of how her body was feeling. Unable to feel what she's feeling, and lacking in any data whatsoever, I end up in an anxiety-filled limbo. I'm not really explaining this right. There are times when it's hard to have something so important happening or not happening and be physically disconnected from it. Yes, I know men have done this for ages, but part of me wonders if it's different from a female perspective. Obviously, testing doesn't really change that. But having an answer would at least let me know which set of anxieties to pick up: the oh-my-god-you're-pregnant-what-if-something- goes-wrong-is-your-progesterone-high-enough-how-long-until-our-beta set or the why-isn't-this-working-should-we-be-weaning/trying-something-different set. And there's always the faint, stupid hope that the test will be positive.

Also, I have a really annoying ability to create lines where none exist. So I get to spend a few hours going back to the test to play the "is it or isn't it?" game. Good distraction. Except when it convinces me that the next test will be positive, and then it isn't.

The boy is awake for good now, and thinks my laptop (with pretty purple cable!) looks like a fun toy. I think actual toys might be a better option, so we're going to go find some now.


  • It's funny -- I felt the opposite way that you do. I wanted to wait to test -- I wanted to hold on to hope -- but Co always tested early (to me). That was my frustration with it not being my body.

    By Blogger Lo, at 8:43 PM  

  • i'm delurking to say that when my partner and i inseminated, we vowed to wait 5 days past when i would have gotten my period. he caved the day before i was supposed to get it- i would have waited much, much longer. he just couldn't take it any more. and while he's currently a dude, he hasn't always been- so who knows whether it changes with female perspective or not, in our case.

    By Blogger kommishonerjenny, at 12:38 AM  

  • Thanks for taking the time to explain, that all makes sense to me.

    By Blogger Jody, at 10:40 AM  

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