Sunday, August 07, 2005

Home...updated

We have returned from Maine and the wilderness of no internet connection. For those of you who were stumped (or intimidated or bored) by our puzzle, here’s a hint: Jen is 4 weeks 5 days pregnant today. For those of you who did solve the puzzle and sent congratulations, thank you.

Here’s the data:
10 dpo: faintly positive HPT (yes, yes, right after the whiny post)
11 dpo: beta of 24, positive on a digital HPT
12 dpo: left town
13 dpo: beta in NYC was 71
14-19 dpo: hung out in Maine, tried not to freak out too much. Told family and close friends, as we will need their support if we have another miscarriage. Were bad and bought a couple of (wicked cheap) baby outfits at the Children’s Place Outlet in Freeport. Please universe, don’t kill us for that.
20 dpo (tomorrow): beta #3 (cross your fingers and send good luck)

We haven’t done any HPTs since the first beta. Pretty restrained for us, no? Actually, we’re both terrified that it will reveal something bad. In the absence of further data we can try to remain positive.

In actuality, I’ve been a bit of a wreck. I realized partway through the week that I was just waiting for the miscarriage and wondering how far we’d get and what happen this time. Somehow my head has taken the one (albeit horrible) experience of pregnancy and loss, and turned it into a lifetime sentence. I’m trying to turn this around. Little glimmers of “maybe it will work this time after all” have started to peek through. But I’m still terrified. Especially with tomorrow’s beta looming.

Jen has been a little more stable, but is also zooming back and forth between “it could work!” and “oh, my god, it’s never going to work.” On the symptom front, she is tired, tired, tired, has sore boobs, is starting to get picky about food, and gets cranky in a way that is very reminiscent of last year’s pregnancy. We’re taking those as good signs, though we know from last year that their presence is not a guarantee that everything is OK.

It’s interesting to go through this after a loss. Last year, there was a lot more excitement, joy, and a feeling that everything was going to be OK. When Jen miscarried, we both knew we would never experience that innocent elation again, but it’s different to actually be in it. Yes, we get excited or hopeful from time to time. But a lot of it, for me anyway, is just hanging on and taking each day that nothing bad happens as one more step. It’s much slower than last year. We’re not even 5 weeks, and it feels like it’s been forever (though that’s partly our own d**n fault for testing early). I wish we could just skip the first trimester. We’ve been through it once before, we know how it goes, so why do we have to go through it again? And what if we have to do it again again?

Did we mention that the due date is exactly the same as last year’s pregnancy? I don’t know whether to be impressed or terrified. Right now, at least, I think I’m leaning toward terrified.

With a teeny, tiny glimmer of hope.

C’mon universe.

Update: Today's beta was 3032. We're done with tests until next Monday, when we have an ultrasound. We're staying cautiously optimistic and are glad for your support.

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