Damn

When I learned that Hope and I would be trying to get pregnant at the exact same time, I was so excited -- we were due only days apart with Quinn and Natalie -- and also apprehensive. "If we are trying together, it makes the odds worse," I said to Hope. "Instead of one good and one bad possibility, now there will be three potential negative outcomes and only one positive."

I've been thinking about those words a lot lately, because I was wrong, so wrong. Even though it was hard to hear that they were pregnant while we were not, I was still happy for them and glad that conception had gone smoothly a second time. But my error went farther than that, because I'd only been thinking about getting pregnant, not staying pregnant. This outcome is far worse than anything I was envisioning in August. The tables are turned, too, because now we're in the midst of another TWW with the possibility that we will emerge pregnant while Hope and Megan are not.

I so wish that things were different, that Hope were still pregnant and getting sicker all the time, while I turned just the palest hint of envious green. But the crappy truth is quite the opposite, and all I can do is send my love and apologies out across the ether, and whisper a sad goodbye to the littlest eggplant. You will be loved and missed, little one.