Thankful

Two years ago, we were in the thick of the molar pregnancy mess. Our weekly betas were slowly falling, and we watched and waited for the end of this desperatly-wanted pregnancy. I think if I'd known that it would take until March--a month shy of Jen's due date--I wouldn't have even gotten out of bed on Thanksgiving. We had planned to spend the weekend doing baby-prep stuff to the house. Painting, organizing, etc. My mom came to town anyway (my dad had come the weekend before), and we spent the weekend doing consolation home improvements. NOT the same. Especially since it resulted in the countertop disaster of 2004-2005. But we were trying, dammit, and so were our families.

One year ago, we were hopeful. We had this. I was still terrified that something would go wrong, that this baby would be taken from us too. But each day was a little more hopeful.

Today, I am awake long before my body wants to be. Jen is sleeping off Natalie's all night nurse-a-thon (someone didn't tell her that the feast is supposed to be this afternoon). I'm tired. I'm achy. Jen and I are broke. All of our money and then some has gone into the second parent adoption, which we hope will go through before the end of the year. I'm trying to figure out how we can pass off toothpicks or Q-tips as Christmas gifts. And I've never been happier. Seriously. Never. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'm thankful with every inch of my soul.

Explanation

Jen's uncle died last week. We've been pretty busy with family, hence no posting. Maybe over the long weekend...

A Post of Many Colors

We, too, went to Blogapalooza in New York this past weekend. I think we are, perhaps, the only people who have not yet blogged about it. So here it is. It was great to meet the people behind the blogs. We spent most of our time with the bloggers with children, which I regret only because it meant that I didn't really get to talk with others as much. Though, realistically, my social anxieties would've kept me in the baby corner even if we didn't have a kid, and I was thrilled to get to know all of the blog babies and their moms. Quinn crawled circles around (and over) Natalie, Malka introduced her to the wonder of Oat-E-Os, Julia (though not feeling 100%) showed Natalie how much fun could be had with Malka's noisy toys, and Charlie gave Natalie the gentlest of head-butts. Baby Miao and Natalie bonded with giggles and grins. I wish there had been more time to get to know everyone in the crowd, but I did enjoy the short conversations I had with folks. And if I seemed standoffish, I just want you to know that that's just my social awkwardness and my desire not to shove my child in the face of anyone not in a good place for that.

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I had an appointment with our RE today. Yes, me. Yes, already. Our plan has always been that we'd start trying again when our first child was around a year old so that maybe (if everything *ha* goes as planned *ha*) our children would be somewhere around 2 years apart. The plan has also been that I would carry child #2. However, I do have Lyme Disease. One Lyme specialist has advised me not to get pregnant and certainly never to breastfeed. Both my Lyme doctor and the RE (who consulted with a perinatologist friend during our appointment) are of the opinion that it could be done and could be fine. I'm at a bit of a loss about what to do. So this is the part of the post where I ask WWID? (what would the internet do?)

Here are my thoughts, muddled and tangled as they are.

1. Until we started planning and Jen started trying to get pregnant, I never really wanted to be pregnant. In fact, for a long time, I was utterly opposed to the idea. Once we began trying, I decided that I did, in fact, want to be the carrier of one of our children. Now that Natalie is here, I feel less certain of that, though I think a lot of that uncertainty is just plain fear.
2. I am afraid that I will give our child Lyme Disease. I know the chances are small, possibly nonexistant, of that happening. (Three out four doctors consulted say that there probably is a minute chance of transmission, which could be made even less likely but not neccesarily eliminated with prophylactic antibiotics.) However, I am still afraid. I don't want to make our child sick when there is another, perfectly wonderful, option.
3. This whole baby-making thing works for Jen, molar pregnancy aside. Getting pregnant was not terribly difficult, she had no horrible complications, and a relatively easy birth. Breastfeeding has gone well. Jen produces lots of milk, and Natalie is growing wonderfully on it. We don't know how well any of this will work for me because, well, we've never tried.
   
4. I would have to see a perinatologist and be closely monitored throughout the pregnancy. Since we can stress ourselves out with no outside help, this could be bad. And I don't know if our midwives would work with me or not.
   
5. I absolutely adore Natalie and can't imagine that I'd love any child any more than I love her simply because he/she grew inside me or had my genetics.
6. I am afraid that I won't make as wonderful a baby as Natalie.
7. I have a history of eating disorder/body issues. I'm in a pretty good place with my body now. Would pregnancy send me back to a bad place?
8. I don't want to make this decision based on fear alone, but there are a lot of fears and unknowns in this, and very few facts.

Any thoughts?

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Our child loves food. Witness the excitement here (and note the pause as she realizes the camera is on her and tries to decide whether to strike her usual pose or just continue with the eating). Today we gave her her first taste of "baby crack" (aka Veggie Booty). Instead of her usual "what the hell is this?" face that accompanies new food experiences, she gave a big grin. I'm afraid.

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Jen keeps meaning to post more about the depression/anxiety stuff, but is having trouble finding the brain cells. She is doing OK, and will post in more detail when she is able. Send good energy to her family, though. We just found out that her uncle is really not doing well.